When Politeness Gets Lost in Translation

When I first moved to Canada, I thought people were being incredibly friendly.
They asked about my weekend, smiled a lot, made polite small talk.

But pretty quickly, I realized something:
They didn’t actually want to hear the full story.
They were being nice. Not necessarily kind.

At first, it confused me. Then it fascinated me.Perhaps its because I spent a significant part of my life immersed in different cultures and went on to study Linguistics, but I can’t help but think about how much culture and language shape the way we connect.

The Languages That Shaped Me

Language is important! An understatement, I know. But for me, it’s built into how I see the world.

I was born speaking two languages: Romanian and Croatian, switching between them without even thinking. My mom’s side belongs to a small Croatian minority group in Romania, and my grandmother, especially, barely spoke any Romanian at all.

So I learned early: words matter! Not just what you say, but how you say it, and what it means between the lines.

Today, living in Canada, in a province where almost half the population was born outside the country, it feels like being surrounded by a living, breathing mosaic of languages every day.

A dream for someone wired like me.

Teaching international students sharpened that instinct even further. Beyond the subject matter, I notice their words. How they phrase things. How sometimes a sentence sounds “off.”

And I know it’s not because they don’t know what they’re saying. It’s because they’re thinking in another language and translating directly.

How do I know? Because that was me not so long ago. And honestly, even after living in Canada for more than half my life, I’m still learning the subtleties of the English language.

There’s a lot happening between the lines. There’s a lot of nuance to catch if you’re really paying attention.

Kind vs. Nice: In Leadership and Life

Recently, I shared a short post on social media about the difference between being kind and being nice.

It was inspired by an interview with entrepreneur Codie Sanchez on the Knowledge Project podcast. She said something that caused a bit of an uproar online:

She doesn’t really care about being nice.

She wasn’t saying “be rude.” She was saying she doesn’t prioritize polite small talk and would rather find way to be kind in a genuine way.

For example:
Rather than chatting with employees about their kids’ soccer games, she’d try to help them finish work early so they can actually go to the soccer game. (And she doesn’t need to hear a full play-by-play about little Adriana’s hat trick.)

Her point?

Nice = polite words.
Kind = meaningful actions.

It’s easy to chase being “liked” by being polite.
But in leadership, entrepreneurship, teamwork, friendships and basically all of life, what really matters is building trust through real actions.

I’m definitely on board with her thinking.

But this whole interaction also struck a deeper personal chord, both as a linguist and as an immigrant.

Why This Hit Home for Me

As people started commenting on my post, one theme came up again and again: this is cultural!

Many pointed out they never really noticed (or needed to notice) the distinction between “nice” and “kind” until moving to Canada.

Because here in North America and especially in Canada, politeness is woven into daily life.

People ask how you’re doing or how your weekend was almost automatically. But if you actually start answering, you can sometimes see their mind is already elsewhere. They weren’t really asking to listen. They were asking to be polite.

This isn’t about good or bad. Nor is it about right or wrong.

This is about understanding how culture shapes communication and how easy it is to misunderstand each other if we’re not paying attention.

Two Challenges: Culture and Language

When it comes to this “nice/polite” approach, I see two main challenges:

• One is cultural: not every culture values niceness the same way.
• One is linguistic: even fluent English speakers can trip over polite expressions that sound kind but mean something very different.

Sometimes there’s a cultural disconnect about what kindness looks like. Other times, there’s a language barrier that makes even understanding the words tricky.

In Romania, where I was born, communication is much more direct. Romanians don’t sugarcoat things.

If you’re not good at soccer, your whole family will let you know and suggest you try another sport. Or maybe give up sports altogether. They may even point out other things you’re good at that you can try. The point is there is no “good job” unless you actually did a good job.

I remember after my first year of living in Canada happily indulging in all the fast food places I had recently discovered, I went back to visit family. Questions like “What are they feeding you over there?” were part of most of my interactions with friends and family.

Did it feel great to hear that? Of course not. Did I ever question their love or loyalty because of it? Not for a second.

Because these were the same people who would show up for me at a moment’s notice, no questions asked.

It’s just how it is. And it’s like that in many parts of the world.

Why It’s Not About Being Mean

This isn’t about being mean. If anything, it’s the opposite.

In many cultures, telling someone the truth, even when it stings,  is an act of love. Saying something just to be nice (if untrue) feels like lying. And if you don’t really care? Well… you just say nothing at all.

And again, this isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about recognizing the cultural realities we live in especially in a country like Canada.

We often say, “This is how we do things here” and expect everyone to adapt.
But the truth is, in some parts of Canada, there are more immigrants and newcomers than people born and raised here.

Whether we like it or not, our collective culture is constantly evolving based on who we are.

If we cling too hard to one version of communication, we risk not just misunderstanding each other. We risk dividing ourselves even more.

And that’s why I’m writing this: because if we want to build stronger bridges between people, we have to start by paying closer attention to the words we use and the meaning behind them.

Linguistic Challenges

And speaking of words, another piece that often gets overlooked is linguistic challenges.

Beyond cultural differences,newcomers to Canada face a steep linguistic curve too.
Even if they’re fluent in English, mastering a language isn’t just about grammar and vocabulary.
It’s about picking up all the little subtleties.

And there are so many of them. I’ve lived here for more than half my life, and I’m still learning.

Especially when it comes to niceness and politeness, there are plenty of English phrases that sound kind but actually mean the opposite… or something far less friendly. Here are some of the ones that have caused me personally some confusion.

Like:

• “Letting someone go” (you’re fired)
• “We should do lunch sometime” (but we probably won’t)
• “I’ll keep you in mind” (you’ll likely never hear from me again)
• “It’s not you, it’s me” (it’s definitely you)

For someone new to the culture or the language, it’s hard to tell. Are you being polite? Are you rejecting me? Are you inviting me? Are you just being nice?

More Than Words: What’s Really at Play

All of this to say that in a country made up largely of immigrants, communication is about so much more than words, body language, or dress codes.

There are deep cultural layers and real language challenges underneath every interaction.

In Canada, whether you’re at school, at work, or out socially, there’s a good chance at least one person in the room wasn’t born here or didn’t grow up speaking English.

Before you write them off, misunderstand them, or default to being ‘nice’, take a step back.
Have a real conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and polite scripts. You might be surprised by how much you both learn.Yes, adapting to a new culture is part of moving somewhere new. But let’s not forget that culture itself is dynamic. It constantly evolves based on who’s part of it.

So How Do We Actually Build Those Bridges?

If you’re working with, teaching, or just meeting someone from another culture, here are a few simple, respectful questions you can ask to open up real understanding:

• “What’s something people usually misunderstand about your culture?”
• “Is there a tradition or value from your country you really love?”
• “Was it hard getting used to how people communicate here?”
• “Are there any phrases or habits you still find funny or confusing?”
• “What’s something you miss from home — or something you’ve grown to love here?”

As long as you’re asking with genuine curiosity, not judgment you’ll rarely offend someone by trying to understand them better.
Trust me: back when I was a teenager in a new country, or even navigating my early career, it would have meant everything if people had asked instead of assumed.

What I Hope You Take Away